One Minute, Part 1

How come we can always seem to remember a time in our lives; down to the colors of our own clothing, or maybe the season by the way things feel around us... BUT we cant seem to remember a great friends name that we hadn't seen in a couple of years?

THIS IS ONE TIME I WISH I COULD FORGET~

As November 24th is approaching I am getting very anxious. For TWO reasons..

1 reason is I will have spent three whole days with my husband again in Maryland, and will have watched him graduate and "officially" become CW3 Miles. I am so proud, so thankful and in love...I am SO excited! We will probably have had a nice lunch and will be driving back home. Yes... He will be coming home! The kids think Mommy is going to go after him and make him come back! Its so sad that they just don't understand.

The second reason, is what I wish I could forget~

The same exact day a year ago, yes, Monday Nov. 24, 2008 I was told that through evasive testing that Breast cancer was detected in the early stage. After seemingly to be listening to my girlie doc give me info and recommendations, I was sat in a room with a nurse who politely helped me set appointments up with a oncologist. The next thing I remember,

{since I felt like my world was spinning}

was very quietly, somberly

walking out through the waiting room to return home.

I didn't cry, I wasn't scared, and I felt NOTHING.

yet.....

You know, I felt uneasy going in, My girlie doctors nurse had called me to schedule an appointment for me to come in for my testing result, I had had blood work done, a mammogram, an MRI with and without contrast, as well as a Test called BRACA1 and BRACA 2 both are also test that many woman have probably started hearing about on TV commercials, or through pamphlets at your doctors offices.The test is for women that have strong histories of maternally and paternally or both of certain types of cancers. Since I had a hysterectomy in August and them finding cancer on my left ovary I was even more at risk. I opted for more tests. I had to know.... The nurse had never asked me to come in... It was always.... Hey, Mrs. Miles.... Your labs, test... etc were normal. Have a great day!

Instead~ there was an uneasiness in her voice, I of coarse started asking questions. She wanted me to wait until after Thanksgiving.... ITS MONDAY....I thought to myself... How dare you avoid my questions, and want me to wait.

I was scared

at that moment.

Now, I could hear my mouth speaking my thoughts, "How dare you expect me to wait until after Thanksgiving? You have bad news in front of you, and you want me to have a nice holiday and you'd see me {blank?} we never got to a date. Please? wait, don't hang up... don't make me wait, (I am sure I was begging) Please, can you work me in?" I remember so vividly those minutes, and remember my 15 year old "man of the house" since dad was still in Iraq walking in because he heard me raising my voice, and knowing something was wrong. I remember him saying " Nurse don't make her wait... my dad is coming home on thanksgiving and she is stressed enough" She heard him...

A couple of hours later I walked out of the doctors office that was in the hospital.... upstairs... to my car that was parked very far away.....The air was crisp and cool, the sun was shining, I remember thinking, Tom is coming home... Its beautiful out, I hope it is nice like this when he gets home. The breeze felt too good, I took a deep breath, Ahh...

I thought I felt OK, I thought I was fine... I thought I felt NOTHING as in, the day was great, nothing went wrong....

I finally got to my car,

I felt my face stinging, and my eyes burning..... I realized I was crying...

A couple getting into the car next to mine smiled, I was embarrassed I guess, it became a little foggy to me. I pretended to be happy, smiled and muttered, " Oh the breeze feels so nice huh? It made my eyes water , that or something blew in my eyes." That was it~ I mentally shut down and there were no more tears. NONE...

for a while~

Tom called me that evening, he said, "I'm waiting on my plane, I cant wait to get home!" Told me he missed us all so much and that he would be in late thanksgiving night. We were going to miss another holiday together. He sounded so happy and excited! Tom had known that I had test done and was waiting to find the results out. I was hoping, as well as praying that he wouldn't ask. Then I felt the sting in my heart when he asked, "Have you heard any news from the doctor?"I couldn't believe myself~ the words coming out of my mouth...I said, "what? Oh... No, I must be okay!" ~ changed subject~

How could I tell him your not leaving Iraq to come home to a "normal life without as much stress" Yes, there would be no guns attached to his leg and hip at all times, and he wouldn't have to sleep with the help of a sleep aide, or worry about his family and friends at home, and he would be happy....

Instead, I felt like he would be coming home to another "war zone" this time~

watching his wife cry

watching me fight to survive

Not knowing the war zone we would endure.

How would our family change?

How my moods, fears, anger and then depression would hammer away at our lives, our family...

our marriage~

what would happen..

How my little boys would learn to ask " Are you going to the hospital again?" Just because I got a certain bag out~ What was happening?

what?

what?

what would happen?

What if?

The journey has been long, it isn't over, or close it seems.

I'm just now finding the words to go with the feelings, resentments, emotions and anger....

One minute at a time.

I am so aggravated, I don't know why doctors cant seem to plan everything together!?
Why they don't know how to plan things out!!!
I guess I should say the nurses...
I was set to have surgery the 15th...
which wasn't confirmed but that is what they wanted, then it wouldn't work for them AGAIN...
So then it was the 22nd!
Now it wont be until the 29th.
2 days before my 35th birthday... and right before Tom goes back to work.....

Cancer, An Ugly word...

hi there.... Now that Tom is home, things are settling down a bit. We still have to get used to being together, as we are BOTH used to being so independent.

He is still adjusting to my moods as my hormones are still crazy as he says. This due to my hysterctomy in August and the inablity to take HRT. We are surviving though. It hasnt been too bad. Atleast NOT FOR HIM!

I am dealing with the ever pressing date of the 15th of January. That day i am sure will be a day that will forever be etched in my mind. I will be undergoing a double mascetomy. I havent posted in a long time as this was something that has been very upsetting to me. I dont think I will ever understand why things are the way they areor why I am about to go through this.

I am angery at times, sad, and yet relieved. Cancer is a very, very UGLY word, and yet it is humbling too.

I worry so much about that day, what the out come will be, how I will look, feel, what the pain will be..... and and so much more. I will have reconstruction the same day, however there will be two more surgerys to follow before this is all complete. I have the Nations Number One Breast Oncologist, and an Awesome Plastic Surgeon. (Who is also very attractive ;) so those two wonderful men will be helping me through this.

My children are not really sure what to think, they are still young though. My oldest, whom is almost 16 is a bit more concerned. Josh knows and understands the risks, and that makes him and little bit sympathetic, as well as ask alot of questions. I try to answer them the best I can, and I try NOT to "sugarcoat" them. I would hate for him to think I lied to him.

I have been asked if i am scared.... Yes! Very.....

Anger? Pity?

Okay this may be a tough post. When my husband was home on leave from Afghanistan he got very ill from over eating. ( He was so thrilled at the home cooked foods and things he missed while away that he gorged!) Anyway at 5:30am on a cold February morning 2 years ago I went into town and stopped at a pharmacy for some anti-nausea medicine. The pharmacist advised me that it would be about 10-15 minutes as their computers were slow due to a ice and snow that we were getting. I decided to drive to the grocery store and get some Sprite, crackers, soup and of coarse a few other items since I was already at the store. Anyway I went back to my car and the doors had froze shut and the entire car was COVERED in ice. I unlocked ( YES THEY WERE LOCKED) the doors and tried to get inside... The only door I could open was the front passenger door. I was putting the items in the car over the seat and all at once I have a gun shoved in my side and a "person" telling me to SHHH! I was completely frozen, I lost all fine motor skills I couldn't scream or speak. I was being mugged! I shudder at the thought. I felt my breath leave my body. My purse was stolen. My complete identity. I was lost and felt helpless. I was terrified to be out after dark and I still wont park in that parking space at the store. Alot of things regarding this really effected me.

Today it all came flooding back. I went to Walmart to get a few items. Shopped and even ate at McDonald's with the boys. Anyway, I came back to van buckled the boys in car seats and proceeded to put the things in the van that were purchased. Opened front van door and noticed papers were everywhere. MIND YOU IT IS VERY VERY WINDY TODAY! I thought very little of it at first. Until I had to move EVERY item out of the way. I have a longaberger basket between the driver and passenger seat that holds DVDs and such. It was dumped on the floor of the passenger side. I immediately realized that someone had been in my van and could still be. I got the boys out and said oops we forgot something. ( I said that in case someone was inside they would not hurt the boys or I and hopefully they would get out and leave.) I went inside and called the police. The police said there was nothing they could do, I didn't see anyone. Took report and left. I got home and started organizing my van again. Nothing was missing besides the change I had in the "dish". I however had my bible in the van.... I don't go to church every week but my bible is something I value. It was ripped up and shredded. That angers me more then anything... I wish I had a DVD or something stolen... Even if they took my bible that is better then destroying it!
I AM at a loss for words! I just don't understand. Again I feel as I did having a gun shoved into my side so hard that I actually was bruised... I just don't get it! I don't know if I should be mad or pity the person that did this!