Going Home~

A soldier went home this week... He went home to Jesus. He was a soldier from my current home town. I didn't know him personally, in fact my husband nor myself had even ever met him. Yet still, my heart aches. My husband was where he had been.... Traveled the same paths as him.... Even though it was two years prior. I can't explain how I feel inside. I don't watch the news other then trying to catch the local weather, it upsets me too much. Anyway while taking my children to the pool a few days ago... I noticed that there was ALOT of traffic, which for the time of day was unusual. I was becoming impatient, I just wanted to get out of the car (after all there was a heat index of 106 that day). I decided to cut through a side street, and I was caught by a stop light. UGH!!! Finally the light was green..... I proceed, but what was the holdup? I realize that I was behind the funeral traffic for the SGT that gave his life fighting for our country.

My son very quietly says to me, look at all the people mom, there are so many standing outside on the sidewalk and their porches. I notice there are many with their hands over their hearts, some with flags waving in their hands, and some veterans saluting.------ Now he asks me with a HUGE lump in his throat," Mom, IF something happens to Dad would people be this nice like this for him?" ( I am at a loss for words.) He then proceeds without an answer to his previous question, " Mom where would you have dad buried?" I am still stunned I cant figure out WHY he is asking these questions. I am also in AWE at the patriotism of this town, and the amount of people just waving as the cars go by. I had so many thoughts racing through my mind, I wanted to scream, WHY?! Just so you all know I was PATIENT while following the traffic in front of me now. I was crying and felt like just a big idiot.

Where WOULD I bury him, where would we live? ( We moved an hour south 4 1/2 years ago from our home town where we BOTH grew up) I started to wonder where IS home? In fact Tom and I had been looking at houses to buy and then found out he was leaving again. I FROZE, and was too scared to make that leap, to scared to find a new place and I could never figure out why... I wasn't going to move.... I have come up with SO many excuses.... Even valid ones. I have talked to ONLY two people about this, about my feelings. One being God. Looking for the right answer.

I HAVE felt so at home where we are living, feeling as though I am a grown up and have made a home for myself, my family... A place we as a family found together. I love the new friends we have made here, and miss our old friends SO much and wish ALWAYS they were closer. However WE MOVED AWAY NOT THEM! I still don't miss the town we grew up and moved from.
YET
I
STILL
WONDER...............and cry at the thought... of WHAT IF????
My kids are thriving, they are grounded and we have planted roots in this town. I can't say honestly where we would be... Only God knows that. So tonight the house was quiet, I was washing dishes, and talking to God and listening to some praise and worship music. I asked God, Why and where and so on....and so on....
I came to some conclusions, I don't want to move out of fear--------Fear of making memories with Tom in a new home before he leaves and fear of him NOT coming home and remembering the memories we would create in nooks and crannies of a new home. I have seen it with my mother in law, she has wrestled with that daily since her husband passed away. I don't want to feel that way! I want to have something to look forward to when Tom is away.... and count the days down------- I want to have him come home and shop WITH me to buy our home... Is that SO BAD?????

My friend said it best.... She said whether you are here ( our former town) or our current one~IT IS HOME... Home is where my family is... My boys, my husband... They are my family and that is what makes a home. I am not supposed to think negatively about the "What If's?? I was listening to a song on the radio, it talked about finding my place in this world, and longing to find it. I just felt so at peace after hearing it I have asked... Where do I belong ALL week long!

God will give me direction, and the song is his reminder to me. All I have to do is seek him, lean on him and I WILL find my way.... my place with my ENTIRE family! I am praying for that and trusting his will! Just as I am praying for comfort for the family and friends that just lost this soldier~