How come we can always seem to remember a time in our lives; down to the colors of our own clothing, or maybe the season by the way things feel around us... BUT we cant seem to remember a great friends name that we hadn't seen in a couple of years?
THIS IS ONE TIME I WISH I COULD FORGET~
As November 24th is approaching I am getting very anxious. For TWO reasons..
1 reason is I will have spent three whole days with my husband again in Maryland, and will have watched him graduate and "officially" become CW3 Miles. I am so proud, so thankful and in love...I am SO excited! We will probably have had a nice lunch and will be driving back home. Yes... He will be coming home! The kids think Mommy is going to go after him and make him come back! Its so sad that they just don't understand.
The second reason, is what I wish I could forget~
The same exact day a year ago, yes, Monday Nov. 24, 2008 I was told that through evasive testing that Breast cancer was detected in the early stage. After seemingly to be listening to my girlie doc give me info and recommendations, I was sat in a room with a nurse who politely helped me set appointments up with a oncologist. The next thing I remember,
{since I felt like my world was spinning}
was very quietly, somberly
walking out through the waiting room to return home.
I didn't cry, I wasn't scared, and I felt NOTHING.
yet.....
You know, I felt uneasy going in, My girlie doctors nurse had called me to schedule an appointment for me to come in for my testing result, I had had blood work done, a mammogram, an MRI with and without contrast, as well as a Test called BRACA1 and BRACA 2 both are also test that many woman have probably started hearing about on TV commercials, or through pamphlets at your doctors offices.The test is for women that have strong histories of maternally and paternally or both of certain types of cancers. Since I had a hysterectomy in August and them finding cancer on my left ovary I was even more at risk. I opted for more tests. I had to know.... The nurse had never asked me to come in... It was always.... Hey, Mrs. Miles.... Your labs, test... etc were normal. Have a great day!
Instead~ there was an uneasiness in her voice, I of coarse started asking questions. She wanted me to wait until after Thanksgiving.... ITS MONDAY....I thought to myself... How dare you avoid my questions, and want me to wait.
I was scared
at that moment.
Now, I could hear my mouth speaking my thoughts, "How dare you expect me to wait until after Thanksgiving? You have bad news in front of you, and you want me to have a nice holiday and you'd see me {blank?} we never got to a date. Please? wait, don't hang up... don't make me wait, (I am sure I was begging) Please, can you work me in?" I remember so vividly those minutes, and remember my 15 year old "man of the house" since dad was still in Iraq walking in because he heard me raising my voice, and knowing something was wrong. I remember him saying " Nurse don't make her wait... my dad is coming home on thanksgiving and she is stressed enough" She heard him...
A couple of hours later I walked out of the doctors office that was in the hospital.... upstairs... to my car that was parked very far away.....The air was crisp and cool, the sun was shining, I remember thinking, Tom is coming home... Its beautiful out, I hope it is nice like this when he gets home. The breeze felt too good, I took a deep breath, Ahh...
I thought I felt OK, I thought I was fine... I thought I felt NOTHING as in, the day was great, nothing went wrong....
I finally got to my car,
I felt my face stinging, and my eyes burning..... I realized I was crying...
A couple getting into the car next to mine smiled, I was embarrassed I guess, it became a little foggy to me. I pretended to be happy, smiled and muttered, " Oh the breeze feels so nice huh? It made my eyes water , that or something blew in my eyes." That was it~ I mentally shut down and there were no more tears. NONE...
for a while~
Tom called me that evening, he said, "I'm waiting on my plane, I cant wait to get home!" Told me he missed us all so much and that he would be in late thanksgiving night. We were going to miss another holiday together. He sounded so happy and excited! Tom had known that I had test done and was waiting to find the results out. I was hoping, as well as praying that he wouldn't ask. Then I felt the sting in my heart when he asked, "Have you heard any news from the doctor?"I couldn't believe myself~ the words coming out of my mouth...I said, "what? Oh... No, I must be okay!" ~ changed subject~
How could I tell him your not leaving Iraq to come home to a "normal life without as much stress" Yes, there would be no guns attached to his leg and hip at all times, and he wouldn't have to sleep with the help of a sleep aide, or worry about his family and friends at home, and he would be happy....
Instead, I felt like he would be coming home to another "war zone" this time~
watching his wife cry
watching me fight to survive
Not knowing the war zone we would endure.
How would our family change?
How my moods, fears, anger and then depression would hammer away at our lives, our family...
our marriage~
what would happen..
How my little boys would learn to ask " Are you going to the hospital again?" Just because I got a certain bag out~ What was happening?
what?
what?
what would happen?
What if?
The journey has been long, it isn't over, or close it seems.
I'm just now finding the words to go with the feelings, resentments, emotions and anger....
One minute at a time.
