Praying for Stellan~

Cancer, An Ugly word...

hi there.... Now that Tom is home, things are settling down a bit. We still have to get used to being together, as we are BOTH used to being so independent.

He is still adjusting to my moods as my hormones are still crazy as he says. This due to my hysterctomy in August and the inablity to take HRT. We are surviving though. It hasnt been too bad. Atleast NOT FOR HIM!

I am dealing with the ever pressing date of the 15th of January. That day i am sure will be a day that will forever be etched in my mind. I will be undergoing a double mascetomy. I havent posted in a long time as this was something that has been very upsetting to me. I dont think I will ever understand why things are the way they areor why I am about to go through this.

I am angery at times, sad, and yet relieved. Cancer is a very, very UGLY word, and yet it is humbling too.

I worry so much about that day, what the out come will be, how I will look, feel, what the pain will be..... and and so much more. I will have reconstruction the same day, however there will be two more surgerys to follow before this is all complete. I have the Nations Number One Breast Oncologist, and an Awesome Plastic Surgeon. (Who is also very attractive ;) so those two wonderful men will be helping me through this.

My children are not really sure what to think, they are still young though. My oldest, whom is almost 16 is a bit more concerned. Josh knows and understands the risks, and that makes him and little bit sympathetic, as well as ask alot of questions. I try to answer them the best I can, and I try NOT to "sugarcoat" them. I would hate for him to think I lied to him.

I have been asked if i am scared.... Yes! Very.....

It's Happening

Day after Thanksgiving 2007
Christmas Eve 2007
Christmas Day 2007 ( Pouting my chin up to hide it)

January 2008

I have waited SO long to actually feel good about buying clothes, I dont yet... since now I am in between sizes.

I have waited for somone to say Oh wow, and pat me on the back and actually notice the hard work I have been putting forth since I started this change of lifestyle, (change of diet.) I have went for months getting excited as I would see the Dr. for Blood pressure checks, and just last week a glucose test. My sugar and BP had been high off and on but The Dr. asured me that getting the weight off would bring me back. Well I am no longer pre~diabetic, and while my BP spikes at times, the Dr. as have I have noticed now it is usually stress induced. I am not where I need to be or where I want to be, but I do have more energy, and dont get worn out as easily chasing after the boys. I am liking who I see in the mirror again though and that is IMPORTANT! For sixteen years this has been a challenge, and I am FINALLY motivated to do something about it! Espescially since someone yesterday really didnt recognize me, and I told here who I was... she just didnt put it all together UNTIL I showed her my Drivers Licence picture. She thought I looked so different. I am proud the work is showing, but will NEVER forget what I looked like, or HOW it feels to be starred at like you are a pig, when at resturants I always felt like someone was starring like are you going to eat ALL of that! It was so degrading, humiliating...but humbling too. For now I see what others struggle with and will never put an overweight person down. It hurts.... and they too can acheive success, it is hard and alot of work but it isw SO SO worth it! It matters to me that I am healthy and able to let go of it all and be there for my kids and enjoy them... They matter to me, and the weight has made it hard to have fun with them. I am thankful to see that, and to be heading down the right path!

April 24th 2008 ( Previous Pictures were Mid April at the park with the boy's. I havent been able to fit on one in years....

Just a glimpse

Sounds of the 76th IBCT
In the summer of 2007 after learning of an impending deployment in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom, the 76th Infantry Brigade Combat Team of the Indiana National Guard sought the support of the 38th Infantry Division Band. The band had recently debuted a new auxiliary rock band, Rapid Fire.
Rapid Fire received rave reviews for performances in and out of Indiana, including a live performance at the Indianapolis 500. The brigade asked Rapid Fire to arrange, perform and record two songs in support of the deployment. The Soldiers of Rapid Fire, along with many other members of the band, enthusiastically took up the mission and under a short suspense and more than a little anticipation delivered the recordings in time for the Nighthawks' departure ceremony.
When I Chose to be a Soldier captures a rare glimpse of the relationship between deploying Soldiers and their children, the beloved Army Brats.
Nighthawk is a rousing and uplifting salute to the citizen Soldiers of the brigade.
Both songs are available here for free download in MP3 format compliments of Rapid Fire, the 38th Infantry Division Band and the Indiana National Guard.

Nighthawk When I Chose to be a Soldier
Rapid Fire Photo Gallery By Sgt. Mike Krieg

Thinking

You stay up for 16 hours.

He stays up for days on end.


You take a warm shower to help you wake up.

He goes days or weeks without running water!


You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.

He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.


You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up
with
your friends.

He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.


You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.

He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.


You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.

He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.


You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.

He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.


You complain about how hot it is.

He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his
brow.


You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order
wrong.

He doesn't get to eat today.


Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.

He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.


You go to the mall and get your hair redone.

He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.


You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.

He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.


You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.

He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.


You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.

He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.


You roll your eyes as a baby cries.

He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll
ever
meet....

You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.

He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers
why he is fighting.


You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.

He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded...

You see only what the media wants you to see.

He sees the broken bodies lying around him.


You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.

He does exactly what he is told,because if he doesn't...


You stay at home and watch TV.

He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.


You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.

He tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long.



You sit there and judge him, saying the world is probably a worse place
because of men like him.

If only there were more men like him!!!

Therapy?

My sister in Law lives in California, and works in a tasting room at a winery. I have posted before about her! She sent this "T" to me! I am NOT a big drinker BUT I still laughed so hard when I opened this up! I love this shirt and can't wait to wear it! Yes it did fit too! WOOO HOO!! I guess every now and then we all need a little "Group Therapy" Thanks Amy! Love ya Sis!