One Minute, Part 1

How come we can always seem to remember a time in our lives; down to the colors of our own clothing, or maybe the season by the way things feel around us... BUT we cant seem to remember a great friends name that we hadn't seen in a couple of years?

THIS IS ONE TIME I WISH I COULD FORGET~

As November 24th is approaching I am getting very anxious. For TWO reasons..

1 reason is I will have spent three whole days with my husband again in Maryland, and will have watched him graduate and "officially" become CW3 Miles. I am so proud, so thankful and in love...I am SO excited! We will probably have had a nice lunch and will be driving back home. Yes... He will be coming home! The kids think Mommy is going to go after him and make him come back! Its so sad that they just don't understand.

The second reason, is what I wish I could forget~

The same exact day a year ago, yes, Monday Nov. 24, 2008 I was told that through evasive testing that Breast cancer was detected in the early stage. After seemingly to be listening to my girlie doc give me info and recommendations, I was sat in a room with a nurse who politely helped me set appointments up with a oncologist. The next thing I remember,

{since I felt like my world was spinning}

was very quietly, somberly

walking out through the waiting room to return home.

I didn't cry, I wasn't scared, and I felt NOTHING.

yet.....

You know, I felt uneasy going in, My girlie doctors nurse had called me to schedule an appointment for me to come in for my testing result, I had had blood work done, a mammogram, an MRI with and without contrast, as well as a Test called BRACA1 and BRACA 2 both are also test that many woman have probably started hearing about on TV commercials, or through pamphlets at your doctors offices.The test is for women that have strong histories of maternally and paternally or both of certain types of cancers. Since I had a hysterectomy in August and them finding cancer on my left ovary I was even more at risk. I opted for more tests. I had to know.... The nurse had never asked me to come in... It was always.... Hey, Mrs. Miles.... Your labs, test... etc were normal. Have a great day!

Instead~ there was an uneasiness in her voice, I of coarse started asking questions. She wanted me to wait until after Thanksgiving.... ITS MONDAY....I thought to myself... How dare you avoid my questions, and want me to wait.

I was scared

at that moment.

Now, I could hear my mouth speaking my thoughts, "How dare you expect me to wait until after Thanksgiving? You have bad news in front of you, and you want me to have a nice holiday and you'd see me {blank?} we never got to a date. Please? wait, don't hang up... don't make me wait, (I am sure I was begging) Please, can you work me in?" I remember so vividly those minutes, and remember my 15 year old "man of the house" since dad was still in Iraq walking in because he heard me raising my voice, and knowing something was wrong. I remember him saying " Nurse don't make her wait... my dad is coming home on thanksgiving and she is stressed enough" She heard him...

A couple of hours later I walked out of the doctors office that was in the hospital.... upstairs... to my car that was parked very far away.....The air was crisp and cool, the sun was shining, I remember thinking, Tom is coming home... Its beautiful out, I hope it is nice like this when he gets home. The breeze felt too good, I took a deep breath, Ahh...

I thought I felt OK, I thought I was fine... I thought I felt NOTHING as in, the day was great, nothing went wrong....

I finally got to my car,

I felt my face stinging, and my eyes burning..... I realized I was crying...

A couple getting into the car next to mine smiled, I was embarrassed I guess, it became a little foggy to me. I pretended to be happy, smiled and muttered, " Oh the breeze feels so nice huh? It made my eyes water , that or something blew in my eyes." That was it~ I mentally shut down and there were no more tears. NONE...

for a while~

Tom called me that evening, he said, "I'm waiting on my plane, I cant wait to get home!" Told me he missed us all so much and that he would be in late thanksgiving night. We were going to miss another holiday together. He sounded so happy and excited! Tom had known that I had test done and was waiting to find the results out. I was hoping, as well as praying that he wouldn't ask. Then I felt the sting in my heart when he asked, "Have you heard any news from the doctor?"I couldn't believe myself~ the words coming out of my mouth...I said, "what? Oh... No, I must be okay!" ~ changed subject~

How could I tell him your not leaving Iraq to come home to a "normal life without as much stress" Yes, there would be no guns attached to his leg and hip at all times, and he wouldn't have to sleep with the help of a sleep aide, or worry about his family and friends at home, and he would be happy....

Instead, I felt like he would be coming home to another "war zone" this time~

watching his wife cry

watching me fight to survive

Not knowing the war zone we would endure.

How would our family change?

How my moods, fears, anger and then depression would hammer away at our lives, our family...

our marriage~

what would happen..

How my little boys would learn to ask " Are you going to the hospital again?" Just because I got a certain bag out~ What was happening?

what?

what?

what would happen?

What if?

The journey has been long, it isn't over, or close it seems.

I'm just now finding the words to go with the feelings, resentments, emotions and anger....

One minute at a time.

I am so aggravated, I don't know why doctors cant seem to plan everything together!?
Why they don't know how to plan things out!!!
I guess I should say the nurses...
I was set to have surgery the 15th...
which wasn't confirmed but that is what they wanted, then it wouldn't work for them AGAIN...
So then it was the 22nd!
Now it wont be until the 29th.
2 days before my 35th birthday... and right before Tom goes back to work.....

Cancer, An Ugly word...

hi there.... Now that Tom is home, things are settling down a bit. We still have to get used to being together, as we are BOTH used to being so independent.

He is still adjusting to my moods as my hormones are still crazy as he says. This due to my hysterctomy in August and the inablity to take HRT. We are surviving though. It hasnt been too bad. Atleast NOT FOR HIM!

I am dealing with the ever pressing date of the 15th of January. That day i am sure will be a day that will forever be etched in my mind. I will be undergoing a double mascetomy. I havent posted in a long time as this was something that has been very upsetting to me. I dont think I will ever understand why things are the way they areor why I am about to go through this.

I am angery at times, sad, and yet relieved. Cancer is a very, very UGLY word, and yet it is humbling too.

I worry so much about that day, what the out come will be, how I will look, feel, what the pain will be..... and and so much more. I will have reconstruction the same day, however there will be two more surgerys to follow before this is all complete. I have the Nations Number One Breast Oncologist, and an Awesome Plastic Surgeon. (Who is also very attractive ;) so those two wonderful men will be helping me through this.

My children are not really sure what to think, they are still young though. My oldest, whom is almost 16 is a bit more concerned. Josh knows and understands the risks, and that makes him and little bit sympathetic, as well as ask alot of questions. I try to answer them the best I can, and I try NOT to "sugarcoat" them. I would hate for him to think I lied to him.

I have been asked if i am scared.... Yes! Very.....

This Year...

Glitter Graphics Maker & MySpace Layouts

A Peice of Me

By the way, I love SNOWMEN.... Notice the cute snowman garland? I totally took the tree apart last night and redid the whole entire thing! LOL :) The things that you do when the kids are in bed sound asleep and you are lonely and have a big empty bed to fall into! Oh, I miss Tom!

As a child I grew up as a preachers ( PK for short) daughter, things were hard. My father was assistant pastor of our small hometown church and he always wanted to stress the importance of the meaning of Christmas. My mother and father disagreed alot on whether to give us girls presents. Dad thought that something small and simple and inexpensive was the way to go... He didn't want to feed into a mass frenzy of loosing the TRUE meaning of Christmas.
Mom always wanted to decorate elaborately, and give us lots of gifts. In turn she did what she wanted and this caused ALOT of fighting between them at Christmas. Which has caused problems for me that have lasted since childhood. I dreaded Christmas as a child because there would always be yelling and fighting for ones beliefs. I can NOT say that either of them were wrong but there should have been some compromise. There was also the fact that there was not alot of money because my mom is a shopper... ALL year round! So at Christmas she maxed out credit cards and then more fighting about bills coming in. However the truth is that she never bought us much..She spent it on other things... FOR the HOUSE!. IT was the decorations, the place mats,tablecloths, the garland, the wreaths the ELABORATE dinner complete with Fine China. Which I may add she bought a new set EVERY year. Inviting friends over and shooing us kids away, but NOT with out hearing her say... Oh look at what I bought~ She always has been about showing off. Spending well beyond the means of Dad's income. Don't get me wrong I love both of my parents but to say the least I do not have the best relationship with my mom.

To me every year I walk through the stores and feel anxiety sweep over me like I know the past will repeat. It DOESN'T! ( The past). It is completely opposite. My husband LOVES the holidays and likes to pick fun things out to decorate with... WITHIN reason. Not to mention we buy alot of things the day after Christmas for the following year. I guess what I am saying is that the holidays have always been hard for me. I remember too much from a child. So, in turn when I hear Christmas music on the radio, and start seeing the decorations come out at the store I kinda shut down. That is totally unfair and something I have worked on for the last several years. I have gotten alot better at not getting sad or anxious about the holidays and now I even laugh at the Charlie Brown Specials , and Rudolph and Frosty..... We couldn't even watch those as a child, because it was not what the meaning of Christmas was.

I am constantly reminding myself that I do NOT have to repeat what my parents did through the holidays and make my children suffer and not have fun. I force myself at times to get into the spirit, and have fun. It IS becoming more natural. Which makes me VERY happy.
I love to see the boy's faces light up when the tree is complete and we decorate with snowmen and holiday globes and even Rudolph and the Snow Miser and Heat Miser... ( TOM'S FAVORITES). I love it when the kids and Tom walk around singing "Put one foot in front over the other".... Or "Rudolph the Red nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose"......

We have some of our own traditions now, like making monkey bread on Christmas Eve morning, making Christmas cookies, and watching A Christmas Story, and Its a Wonderful life... WHICH I LOVE BUT TEND TO USUALLY FALL ASLEEP THROUGH! Most of all were a family, that is what matters, and that it is a happy time for the children.

I CAN NOT always live in the past holidays from my childhood, and I refuse to let that consume me. It is NOT easy but IT IS WORTH IT.... Watching the kids faces opening gifts, Reading The Night Before Christmas and even about The birth of Baby Jesus. They even get excited about our simple nativity display. They get very excited and we ALWAYS tell him "Happy birthday" on Christmas!
They get the best of both worlds, and parents that don't fight about the holidays....
After all, isn't this supposed to be a happy, and FUN time of year????????????

Little Smiles......

I was so happy to have pictures FINALLY upload I decided to add a few more. Just things the kids do that make me smile. Like taking the trash to the road when the trash can is as big as they are. I Love it... when the boys can play and get along and make silly faces...with silly teeth..... Just makes me smile:) Even when I am BLUE............ I couldn't get the other photo's to upload.... ERRRRRRRRRR Imagine that!