Thursday, August 30, 2007

Where Oh Where~

Where has the time went? Seems like yesterday we received a phone call that we had been given the gift of adopting Trenton and Christian. We were going to court to actually relinquish guardianship of the boys after having them for over a year. Trent was 2, and Christian was 8 weeks when they came to live with us. Trent had however been with us previously for 6 months, and was returned to his parents, only to be abused over and over again. Lots of praying and I guess pleading with God for them to be safe. Not to mention that I told God...Out of human mommy nature NOT to send them to me again UNLESS I could keep them. So again I was heartbroken KNOWING I would have to give them back. I was mad at God but in the back of my mind I kept saying God I TOLD YOU NOT TO GIVE THEM TO ME AGAIN UNLESS.........................................

The day was so clear it was the day before I had to leave for Michigan to take them back, go to court and give them to their parents. While taking a shower the phone rang, I peeked to see if it was Tom on caller I.D. It was the boys bio mom. I started to ignore it.... Let it ring! She called again, I answered from the shower, (Speaker phone). She asked if I was sitting down, of coarse I wasn't. I was thinking GREAT.... she is pregnant or something. Only half listening to her she asked if we would adopt her boys. Okay....that got my attention... Water turned off and soap on my hair..... I asked WHAT? Making sure I heard her right, She was not comfortable with taking the boys from a safe loving home where they were growing and thriving. Nor was she ready to be responsible ( Although I think that was very mature of her to KNOW she couldn't do it).

So now a million questions were running through my head... What about court.... so on and so on. The CPS worker called me, lawyers were calling me, NOT long after she called me. Mom had asked to be the one to tell me, and then when her attorney knew she had talked to me the phone rang and rang. That day and the rest of the night are still a blur. I didn't have to pack their things up, and give them back but we still had to go to court, just for a different reason. She had been planning this for a bit so everything was set in motion.

I remember sitting in the chair at the stand ( The chair was like an office chair). I was VERY nervous. The court room was full of CASA workers, lawyers, CPS workers and so on. The parents were there, the maternal and paternal family's as well. I was asked questions about the boys and how I felt about them, how I felt about keeping them and loving them as my own. I was overwhelmed and fuzzy headed... ( I was spinning in my chair LITERALLY) After court my son and the CPS worker and Lawyer laughed and said did you realize you were spinning back and forth??? LOL?????? NERVES!

The boys were ours, after our 90 day wait....The parents had time to change their minds. ( 90 days of waiting and worrying) It was official October 10th, 2005!!!!!!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Going Home~

A soldier went home this week... He went home to Jesus. He was a soldier from my current home town. I didn't know him personally, in fact my husband nor myself had even ever met him. Yet still, my heart aches. My husband was where he had been.... Traveled the same paths as him.... Even though it was two years prior. I can't explain how I feel inside. I don't watch the news other then trying to catch the local weather, it upsets me too much. Anyway while taking my children to the pool a few days ago... I noticed that there was ALOT of traffic, which for the time of day was unusual. I was becoming impatient, I just wanted to get out of the car (after all there was a heat index of 106 that day). I decided to cut through a side street, and I was caught by a stop light. UGH!!! Finally the light was green..... I proceed, but what was the holdup? I realize that I was behind the funeral traffic for the SGT that gave his life fighting for our country.

My son very quietly says to me, look at all the people mom, there are so many standing outside on the sidewalk and their porches. I notice there are many with their hands over their hearts, some with flags waving in their hands, and some veterans saluting.------ Now he asks me with a HUGE lump in his throat," Mom, IF something happens to Dad would people be this nice like this for him?" ( I am at a loss for words.) He then proceeds without an answer to his previous question, " Mom where would you have dad buried?" I am still stunned I cant figure out WHY he is asking these questions. I am also in AWE at the patriotism of this town, and the amount of people just waving as the cars go by. I had so many thoughts racing through my mind, I wanted to scream, WHY?! Just so you all know I was PATIENT while following the traffic in front of me now. I was crying and felt like just a big idiot.

Where WOULD I bury him, where would we live? ( We moved an hour south 4 1/2 years ago from our home town where we BOTH grew up) I started to wonder where IS home? In fact Tom and I had been looking at houses to buy and then found out he was leaving again. I FROZE, and was too scared to make that leap, to scared to find a new place and I could never figure out why... I wasn't going to move.... I have come up with SO many excuses.... Even valid ones. I have talked to ONLY two people about this, about my feelings. One being God. Looking for the right answer.

I HAVE felt so at home where we are living, feeling as though I am a grown up and have made a home for myself, my family... A place we as a family found together. I love the new friends we have made here, and miss our old friends SO much and wish ALWAYS they were closer. However WE MOVED AWAY NOT THEM! I still don't miss the town we grew up and moved from.
WONDER...............and cry at the thought... of WHAT IF????
My kids are thriving, they are grounded and we have planted roots in this town. I can't say honestly where we would be... Only God knows that. So tonight the house was quiet, I was washing dishes, and talking to God and listening to some praise and worship music. I asked God, Why and where and so on....and so on....
I came to some conclusions, I don't want to move out of fear--------Fear of making memories with Tom in a new home before he leaves and fear of him NOT coming home and remembering the memories we would create in nooks and crannies of a new home. I have seen it with my mother in law, she has wrestled with that daily since her husband passed away. I don't want to feel that way! I want to have something to look forward to when Tom is away.... and count the days down------- I want to have him come home and shop WITH me to buy our home... Is that SO BAD?????

My friend said it best.... She said whether you are here ( our former town) or our current one~IT IS HOME... Home is where my family is... My boys, my husband... They are my family and that is what makes a home. I am not supposed to think negatively about the "What If's?? I was listening to a song on the radio, it talked about finding my place in this world, and longing to find it. I just felt so at peace after hearing it I have asked... Where do I belong ALL week long!

God will give me direction, and the song is his reminder to me. All I have to do is seek him, lean on him and I WILL find my way.... my place with my ENTIRE family! I am praying for that and trusting his will! Just as I am praying for comfort for the family and friends that just lost this soldier~