Wednesday, November 11, 2009

One Minute, Part 1

How come we can always seem to remember a time in our lives; down to the colors of our own clothing, or maybe the season by the way things feel around us... BUT we cant seem to remember a great friends name that we hadn't seen in a couple of years?
As November 24th is approaching I am getting very anxious. For TWO reasons..
1 reason is I will have spent three whole days with my husband again in Maryland, and will have watched him graduate and "officially" become CW3 Miles. I am so proud, so thankful and in love...I am SO excited! We will probably have had a nice lunch and will be driving back home. Yes... He will be coming home! The kids think Mommy is going to go after him and make him come back! Its so sad that they just don't understand.
The second reason, is what I wish I could forget~
The same exact day a year ago, yes, Monday Nov. 24, 2008 I was told that through evasive testing that Breast cancer was detected in the early stage. After seemingly to be listening to my girlie doc give me info and recommendations, I was sat in a room with a nurse who politely helped me set appointments up with a oncologist. The next thing I remember,
{since I felt like my world was spinning}
was very quietly, somberly
walking out through the waiting room to return home.
I didn't cry, I wasn't scared, and I felt NOTHING.
You know, I felt uneasy going in, My girlie doctors nurse had called me to schedule an appointment for me to come in for my testing result, I had had blood work done, a mammogram, an MRI with and without contrast, as well as a Test called BRACA1 and BRACA 2 both are also test that many woman have probably started hearing about on TV commercials, or through pamphlets at your doctors offices.The test is for women that have strong histories of maternally and paternally or both of certain types of cancers. Since I had a hysterectomy in August and them finding cancer on my left ovary I was even more at risk. I opted for more tests. I had to know.... The nurse had never asked me to come in... It was always.... Hey, Mrs. Miles.... Your labs, test... etc were normal. Have a great day!
Instead~ there was an uneasiness in her voice, I of coarse started asking questions. She wanted me to wait until after Thanksgiving.... ITS MONDAY....I thought to myself... How dare you avoid my questions, and want me to wait.
I was scared
at that moment.
Now, I could hear my mouth speaking my thoughts, "How dare you expect me to wait until after Thanksgiving? You have bad news in front of you, and you want me to have a nice holiday and you'd see me {blank?} we never got to a date. Please? wait, don't hang up... don't make me wait, (I am sure I was begging) Please, can you work me in?" I remember so vividly those minutes, and remember my 15 year old "man of the house" since dad was still in Iraq walking in because he heard me raising my voice, and knowing something was wrong. I remember him saying " Nurse don't make her wait... my dad is coming home on thanksgiving and she is stressed enough" She heard him...
A couple of hours later I walked out of the doctors office that was in the hospital.... upstairs... to my car that was parked very far away.....The air was crisp and cool, the sun was shining, I remember thinking, Tom is coming home... Its beautiful out, I hope it is nice like this when he gets home. The breeze felt too good, I took a deep breath, Ahh...
I thought I felt OK, I thought I was fine... I thought I felt NOTHING as in, the day was great, nothing went wrong....
I finally got to my car,
I felt my face stinging, and my eyes burning..... I realized I was crying...
A couple getting into the car next to mine smiled, I was embarrassed I guess, it became a little foggy to me. I pretended to be happy, smiled and muttered, " Oh the breeze feels so nice huh? It made my eyes water , that or something blew in my eyes." That was it~ I mentally shut down and there were no more tears. NONE...
for a while~
Tom called me that evening, he said, "I'm waiting on my plane, I cant wait to get home!" Told me he missed us all so much and that he would be in late thanksgiving night. We were going to miss another holiday together. He sounded so happy and excited! Tom had known that I had test done and was waiting to find the results out. I was hoping, as well as praying that he wouldn't ask. Then I felt the sting in my heart when he asked, "Have you heard any news from the doctor?"I couldn't believe myself~ the words coming out of my mouth...I said, "what? Oh... No, I must be okay!" ~ changed subject~
How could I tell him your not leaving Iraq to come home to a "normal life without as much stress" Yes, there would be no guns attached to his leg and hip at all times, and he wouldn't have to sleep with the help of a sleep aide, or worry about his family and friends at home, and he would be happy....
Instead, I felt like he would be coming home to another "war zone" this time~
watching his wife cry
watching me fight to survive
Not knowing the war zone we would endure.
How would our family change?
How my moods, fears, anger and then depression would hammer away at our lives, our family...
our marriage~
what would happen..
How my little boys would learn to ask " Are you going to the hospital again?" Just because I got a certain bag out~ What was happening?
what would happen?
What if?
The journey has been long, it isn't over, or close it seems.
I'm just now finding the words to go with the feelings, resentments, emotions and anger....
One minute at a time.

Veterns Day

I am so greatful for the things my husband does for our country, as well as the other men and women that give so much of their lives for us!

Our flag string broke the other day in the wind, and forgetting about it I started crying while talking to my sister on the phone this morning~ Luckily, a street repair man named "Frank" helped me out. As well as say thank you to a veterans wife!
Thank you Frank!

Monday, October 19, 2009

NOT Me .. Nope I didnt

I didnt want to sleep in my room with out my hubby last night, so I "didnt sleep on the couch".
I didnt have starbucks after startinf my diet again....
I didnt sleep in too long and get my kids up and wisk them out the door.
I didnt catch my teenage son making out with his girlfriend... Only for him to deny it...
NOPE not me... I didnt do any of it!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Here I Go Again On My own~

Im at I.U. Med center again... Surgery is packed and Im being worked in... I am starving! Working out and drinking water, training for the Breast Cancer 5K... My body has been getting used to eating 5 times a day. Three meals and 2 snacks! I did have to WAIT THREE whole hours for my room to get ready... So I trekked to Riley and had McDonald's.....The salad was YUMMMOOO!!!!
I wont go into the Gorey details but my implant from breast reconstruction is trying to make an appearance on the outside of my body! Totally not a good thing.,, I am UNSURE what I will wake up to? Will I loose the implant and have heal for 6 months to a year or will surgeon save it, or replace it??? God only knows! I just know this is a very hard time... Cancer SUCKS... and so does putting the pieces of your body back together! My heart hurts, my head hurts from crying and stress, and the UNKNOWN! I was supposed to be done with everything on the 22ND of OCT. But now, I don't know if I will be "biggy small" and have to start all over.... I am just speechless now... just thinking of what the results will be when I awake! I know I will be reaching to feel if "it" is still there... and cry if its not! I'm just tired, this has been such a LONG YEAR!

Thursday, August 06, 2009


here i am once again in the hospital...
wearing a yellow gown...
taking morphine to dull the pain...
waiting for answers..
the doctors just dont have....

missing my babies...
my own bed...
a normalcy kind of life...
Again, whats normal????????

Monday, May 18, 2009

Six, one more day!?

I can hardly believe that six whole years have went by...
Trent will be seven tommorow, Already??
Trenton came into our lives at the age of around 8 months, he came from a bad situation. He remained with us until he was 14 months old. He had learned to crawl,walk, babble, play, and smile make eye contact..... He had grown in weight and in spirit. He had is first teeth come in, and ate his first birthday cake... Well it was a cupcake... it was everywhere. I just feel bad that even though I loved him so much, I took very little pictures of that time. I coped by keeping that part at distance. Even when I craddled him in my arms, I felt like I knew I had to give him back to bio parents eventually. So, I loved him, and kept him safe... but for me taking little to none in the way of pictures helped me... I didnt want the tears and pain looking at them later in time. As I thought and expected the court system from MI, let the parents have him back. I was angery that the system could do that to him... He was thriving. he was happy, and had gotten his shots all up to date which he had never had with them. He was turning into a chunk with adorable dimples and a sweet spirit.
Needless to say, He was abused when he was returned to his bio parents, and we found out he had Fetal Alcohol Syndrom, and was mildly autistic. They still failed him, so we got another phone call, for a gaurdianship, this time there was more.... he had lost 7 lbs, and momma had another baby. My prayers for Trenton to come back were answered, and with a brand new 4 week old baby brother. Can you believe the courts worked so hard to help the parents and yet they just signed their parental rights away? They didnt want them? Seven years tommorow, I had a life changing event happen... I fell in love and had my heart broke all at once! With Trenton... I know it doesnt make since to some of you, but I felt like I died when left and was treated so horribly. I feel like part of him is dead sometimes. Hes went through so much...
When all he deserved was to be loved, to be happy and healthy... Now he is... Forever! If I didnt mention it; we adopted both him and his baby brother, ( whom turned 5 Valentines day!!!) Wow! Happy Birthday Trenton... We are so glad we have had you for all 7 Birthdays!
Pictures speak volumes... I wish I could turn the clock back and snap everyday of his life sometimes....
I Love you Trenton... My lil Bug!

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Long awaited update

I can hardly believe that I have went this long with friends and family afar wondering how I am.... I am SO Sorry!

I had my Bi Lat Mastectomy January 29th, went very well, and started reconstruction the same day.
It made me feel better to know that I was waking to a Lil something than nothing. Just the same it was heart wrenching.
I cant describe the loss a woman feels.....
How the way you don't want anyone to see you look so bad....

My Birthday was Feb 1st and while I don't remember most of it from sleeping and pain meds I am sure that from the pictures I enjoyed the cake!

I felt constantly tired and could seem to stay awake around the 8th or so of February
I felt so weak and exhausted.... My boys and husband had been sick so everyone "assumed" I was getting ill too. Sick Yes, Just not what we hoped for!

I was admitted back into to hospital for emergency surgery, the right breast implant and all the beginning reconstruction had to be removed, I developed a serious infection, as well as a delirious state of mind due to a fever of almost 106....
I was heavily medicated with STRONG antibiotics, spent a week in bed in the hospital and returned home... I have been on the mend since. I am just so ready for life to return to normal... C..... Cancer SUCKS!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I am so aggravated, I don't know why doctors cant seem to plan everything together!?
Why they don't know how to plan things out!!!
I guess I should say the nurses...
I was set to have surgery the 15th...
which wasn't confirmed but that is what they wanted, then it wouldn't work for them AGAIN...
So then it was the 22nd!
Now it wont be until the 29th.
2 days before my 35th birthday... and right before Tom goes back to work.....

Sunday, January 11, 2009

For Tom!

Tom returned from Iraq Thanksgiving evening...
I am so glad he is home, It was a LONG Year!
Welcome home, we missed you... All of us!

Tuesday, January 06, 2009


We have freezing rain outdoors..... Yet, I have an urgency to clean... I feel like it should be a sunny spring day. I feel like I did when I was pregnant, when I went through the last few days "nesting".

I dont know why I feel like this? I do know I have been told I am a bit obsessivlily compulisive. Me? Never!

I just emptied the closet under the stair well Sunday afternoon, and organized it. Cleaned the attic out a week or so ago, and cleaned, decluttered and threw away all the papers that were un~needed in the office and shredded enough to empty the shredder TWICE! I organized my inventory for my home busness, and then we went and had our taxes prepared yesterday. Not to mention the new flooring in the restroom, or toliet, or my new dishwasher that I waited a year on, but didnt see hope of getting until Tom knew that he would be on his own with the household chores while I am recupperating.

I also was told to find a maid to come once a week to help with the Nitty Gritty cleaning. UGH!!!

Did I mention that I also organized all the nails and screws in the garage for Tom and put them in a organizer.. I put them all away by size and everything... I can find where they all are So fast! So can he, and

you all know how a man will look right at something and yet still NOT know where a thing is!

Keeping busy helps the time pass.

I'm feeling uneasy as the date gets closer, even though the nurse called yesterday to tell me that the date will most likley change to the 22nd.... Which I in turn snapped at her, even though it was NOT her fault. Before anyone critizes.... I DID apologize. I just mentally prepare way in advance and when dates change for something like this I panic ( so to speak) I feel a strange feeling and like I am out of control. I cant explain it. I just am a prompt on time person and dont like when dates or times change. I feel a need to be in control of time when it comes to my health or my famlies. I have to remember that time does change and things happen... I cant control that! In the meantime I will continue to "nest"........

Saturday, January 03, 2009

Cancer, An Ugly word...

hi there.... Now that Tom is home, things are settling down a bit. We still have to get used to being together, as we are BOTH used to being so independent.

He is still adjusting to my moods as my hormones are still crazy as he says. This due to my hysterctomy in August and the inablity to take HRT. We are surviving though. It hasnt been too bad. Atleast NOT FOR HIM!

I am dealing with the ever pressing date of the 15th of January. That day i am sure will be a day that will forever be etched in my mind. I will be undergoing a double mascetomy. I havent posted in a long time as this was something that has been very upsetting to me. I dont think I will ever understand why things are the way they areor why I am about to go through this.

I am angery at times, sad, and yet relieved. Cancer is a very, very UGLY word, and yet it is humbling too.

I worry so much about that day, what the out come will be, how I will look, feel, what the pain will be..... and and so much more. I will have reconstruction the same day, however there will be two more surgerys to follow before this is all complete. I have the Nations Number One Breast Oncologist, and an Awesome Plastic Surgeon. (Who is also very attractive ;) so those two wonderful men will be helping me through this.

My children are not really sure what to think, they are still young though. My oldest, whom is almost 16 is a bit more concerned. Josh knows and understands the risks, and that makes him and little bit sympathetic, as well as ask alot of questions. I try to answer them the best I can, and I try NOT to "sugarcoat" them. I would hate for him to think I lied to him.

I have been asked if i am scared.... Yes! Very.....

This Year...

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